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I think the people who run 5W!TS have met their mortal enemy: someone who can identify every game cliche in the book. And “Tomb” has them all. Let me start from the beginning.

After paying $20 per ticket and wasting half an hour at Best Buy for your time slot to come up, you are introduced to some lame-ass story about a professor who has gone missing inside some random Egyptian Tomb deep within Kenmore Square. The original explorer of the Tomb has gone missing and it is up to you, your incompetent group, your incompetent guide, and a British Person to guide you through the deep, dark, twisted lair of three rooms which will take you half an hour to 45 minutes to get through and leave you feeling like you would have been better off seeing a bad movie that is 2-3 times as long and costs only half as much.

The first room presents you a long, contrived monologue from the voice of the Pharaoh which starts with the words, “MUAHAHAHA!” (and no spacebar to skip it) followed by three puzzles, which could be easily described as a Pixel Hunt, a round of Simon Says, and a block puzzle. Granted, the pixel hunt was probably the best puzzle of the lot. Five tiny little discs are hidden around the room that you have to press and make glow red. Once that’s done, you must play a five larger discs in the correct order. So far s’okay, not that I didn’t do these puzzles back in Myst fourteen years ago.

Then comes the glory of all glorious game cliches: the block puzzle. Move a giant, stone statue four inches back to the wall. FOUR INCHES! Ya know, some games are made up entirely of block puzzles. Soul Reaver, Tomb Raider… I was hoping that for something that calls itself an, “Interactive Video Game” (facepalm), they’d manage to avoid the kinds of puzzles that make gamers bored. Unfortunately, that’s all they had. All I was thinking was, “Christ get me out of here now. What’s next? Spiked walls?”

I won’t even bother mentioning how the room ends as it’s so phoned in that it’s pathetic.

The next room has two puzzles: readjust tiles on the floor to match a disc on the wall, and rebuild a pyramid one brick at a time without carrying two bricks or stacking a bigger brick on top of a smaller brick. It’s in this room that I guarantee no cooperation will be found in your group. While I closely studied the disc on the wall and began to readjust the tiles accordingly, others proceeded to think that I was wrong and began readjusting the tiles at their whim, taking us five minutes to get through a thirty second puzzle. At this point I began thinking, “Why bother?” When the floor puzzle was finally solved, the ceiling started crushing down on us very, very slowly. So I wasn’t far off from the spiked walls, but they would have been MUCH more interesting and would have given me a way out of my waste of $20. As the rest of the group did the pyramid puzzle, I stood by and looked at my imaginary watch, waiting for the ceiling to end my misery as if it would. The puzzle was solved and the voiceover of the Pharaoh went into a second, long, contrived monologue.

Third room, spin some columns randomly until the hieroglyphics line up properly. Supposedly there were clues on the walls but they really didn’t do any good. Then we had to spin discs on the far wall to line up tubes to prevent the room from filling with chlorinated water (the whole place smelled like a unairconditioned indoor pool). Obviously there was no way to tell when you had the tubes lined up correctly, and the final disc I had to spin wouldn’t even stay in its correct position, so I had to hold it there to wait for the Pharaoh to give yet ANOTHER long, boring monologue and tell us to illuminate his face… with blocks of clay. Yeah. That’ll work. Mirrors? Sure. But no. Unreflective stone blocks to reflect light onto the face of the sarcophagus. Spoiler: If you are inside this joke of a Tomb and find yourself stuck at the final puzzle, have everyone shine their cellphones on the face. Even the guides know this final puzzle just flat out doesn’t work.

And what’s your reward for getting through the Tomb? Being led out to the gift shop where you’re encouraged to spend… gasp! MORE MONEY! As if. Just grab your coat and leave, unless you feel ballsy and demand your money back. I highly doubt you’ll get it, though, since you’ve received the full product and there was no way out beforehand.

So now that I have totally spoiled the experience for you, let’s recap all the clihes, gaming or otherwise:

1. Long periods of voiceover with no way to skip them.
2. Pixel hunt.
3. Simon says.
4. Block puzzle.
5. MUAHAHAHAHA!
6. Tile matching (and did I mention that you have to flip the tiles to find the correct picture?!)
7. Basic middle school math class worksheet problem.
8. Puzzle with a random, unpredictable solution designed only to irritate the player.
9. Another puzzle with a random, unpredictable solution designed only to irritate the player.
10. Puzzle designer thinking, “They’ll never solve this.”
11. Puzzle designer thinking, “Well, in case they do solve it, I’ll make the last puzzle literally impossible to do with what I give them inside the game.”
12. No reward for winning.

Please, please, PLEASE save your money. A group of eight people, just eight people, could instead all pool their money and buy a copy of Rock Band for the same price it would cost them to waste 45 minutes of their life. And I guarantee they would have a MUCH better time playing that Boston-made game then the one currently located at 5W!TS.

The interesting part is the fact that people keep going. No one has warned them not to go, and all the major reviews have been highly positive. I can’t even begin to fathom why. The place is packed every day, and has been for the last three years. They were supposed to have a new exhibit by now, but these scam artists have realized that their three rooms of boredom have brought in so much dough that they’d be better off never changing it, never moving it, never even bothering to patch it to make improvements. Now I will admit, something like this would be much better if it were at, say, The Museum of Science, where it could actually be like exploring a real tomb and not just three, barely decorated rooms lit to look like an ancient Egyptian tomb (if ancient Egyptian tombs were lit green). I guarantee the Museum would do a great job with it and actually give it some historical context, not to mention you might get some form of a free trinket on your way out (no such look at 5W!TS), and then you have the whole rest of the museum to explore. As it stands, Tomb has no benefits to going. It’s hot, it’s smelly, it’s boring… heck, it’s not even funny.

Oh, and the worst part is, if your group happens to have a kid who has already gone three or four times and knows all the answers, he will ruin the entire experience for you, much like going to a performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show where only person in the audience doesn’t have a V on their forehead, only said person happens to be eight years old. Yeah.

So unless you are a child, or are WAY too easily scared or amused, or have some kind of cerebral palsy, or all of the above, save your money and don’t go to Tomb. The only benefit? No load times.

OK so I’ve been splurging lately and I have a ton of new games. Here’s what’s up in my world of gaming:

UT3: I know I can’t stop talking about this game but it is THAT GOOD! Every time I look at it, I continue to be in awe of just how amazing the graphics are. Plus I’m finally almost done with the campaign.

Gears of War: PC version looks and plays better than the 360. Hands down still the superior game.

Portal: Remember when I was like, “We are going to kill you now,” and you were like, “No way!” That was fun… and so is this game.

Lemmings for PSP: The little green haired guys in the blue pajamas are as adorable as ever. Had some trouble with the save system but it all got fixed. This seems like a very good remake of the original, but I just got it so I’ve made no final judgment yet.

Good as these are, I can’t wait for next year:

Harvey Birdman for PSP: Looks hilarious and can’t wait.

God of War - Chains of Olympus: Haven’t played 1 or 2 so starting on the backstory works for me. Plus the game looks beautiful.

Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII: Nuff said.

Anyhoo, heading back to Savannah in a week. Haven’t been down there in a while. Like six months now. But since the Red Sox have won the world series and the Pats have had a PERFECT SEASON all while I’ve been home, I think I’m ready to go back. I have a little bit of unfinished business here in Boston, but I have all week to deal with that before I really have to go.

I have leaked page 1 of Causation to a couple places on ye olde internets, just to stir up some excitement. Let’s see who can hunt it down first.

I’ve begun work on Issue 1 of the Causation comic book. In case you’re just tuning in, the Causation comic books cover various parts of the NightRise backstory. Issues 1-3 will cover an event known as the Istanbul Skirmish, in which Fuego and Luz go into Istanbul to help put an end to an unstable situation in the Eastern half of the city, outside the Bio-Laser Barrier. In honor of the release, there will also be new wallpapers available for download at the DeviateSoft website.

Obviously you’re wondering how Causation will be released. Issue 1, much like Light Fading, will be released for free, and I’ll be setting up a website for it. Keep checking back here for progress on it. It should be up by January, I hope, but I will let you know if it isn’t.

So the National Institute on Media and “The Family” has given the gaming industry a failing grade. What with this being finals season, I doubt we’ll see have the regular chance to retake the test. And it’s almost like they didn’t even read over the essay portion, just assumed it would be bad. Here’s a few points of interest:

1. They claim that being able to hack the source code for the PSP Manhunt 2 makes the AO version of the game playable. True except for the fact that under the terms of use AND under the DMCA, this is a crime. Giving the ESRB a C because of this is unfair. It is not the ESRB’s job to hack the source code of games to see what’s in there.

2. The report card also claims that M-rated games are made “easily available” to kids under 17. Oh how I wish this was the case. I am nearly 21, 5′9″ and I got carded for both Gears of War AND for Unreal Tournament 3, both M-Rated games. It’s almost insulting.

3. Grammar errors run rampant throughout their report. I hardly read things on the internet because of bad grammar. Heck, I myself have forgotten a comma here and misspelled a word there. But didn’t these people graduate high school?

Families also received some good news in 2007. In February, GameStop, one of the nation’s largest specialty retailers of video games, clamped down on the sale of M-rated (Mature) video games to minors by terminating sales clerks and store managers who sell these games to minors. The Target Corporation took a bold step in pulling Manhunt 2 from its shelves after it was revealed that AO (Adults-Only) content was viewable, on the Mrated game for Sony’s PSP and PS2, by changing the game’s code.

Look, it is VERY simple. In a paragraph, you choose in which tense you desire to write. You do NOT jump from one to the other. And that is just the third paragraph of the report. Also, may I point out that their lack of knowledge in the industry comes off on the cover of the report, where there is a group of kids playing games using original Dual Shock controllers, the second iteration of controllers for the PS1, which would make them about 20-24 years of age now.

Also, NEVER jump between numbers spelled out and in numerical format, such as “seven out of 10.” It’s REALLY bad grammar and is very irritating. Pick one.

3. Most importantly, I refuse to have my industry judged by an institute whose website does not even exist. For the last twenty minutes that I have been writing this blog, their site, MediaWise.org, has given me nothing but a blank white page. Obviously these people have not kept up with the times since that photo of the kids playing their Playstation was taken.

At the same time, we have people warning of games not to buy for your kids this Christmas season, which include GTA, 50 Cent Bulletproof, and… Killer 7? Wow. Hey, 2005 called. They want their video games back. And seriously, if anybody can FIND Killer 7 on a store shelf, BUY IT. It’s a rarity. Granted, not as impressive as finding a copy of REZ (which my friend and I managed to do once), but still pretty good.

I think the gaming industry needs to stand up and write our own report about how we have been treated in this last year, about the misinformation and lies spread about us, and give A-F grades. Here’s my final judgment, Dr. Walsh.

2007

Public Involvement: C
I am yet to hear the American public speak up about this issue. Video games were left out of the Republican National Debate. It is an issue that is being ignored, despite the fact that many candidates have a position on it. However, I am grateful to the ESA, the ESRB, and GamePolitics for helping bring these issues to light.

Ratings Education: A
The ESRB has done an amazing job keepings ratings sensible and public. The PSA’s are informative, there are giant posters in every store, and there are free fliers that anyone can take. What more do you want?

Retailers’ Policies: D
This rating is for anyone who sells games, small or national. Obviously if Johnny 12-Year-Old is trying to buy Manhunt 2 without parental/guardian supervision, he shouldn’t be sold to him. But even 12 year olds can get into R-Rated movies with parental/guardian supervision. I have never been carded for a movie, and just now I have begun being carded for games, despite the fact that I am obviously over 17. Either the retailers need to readjust their policies to, “No sale to persons under 17 without proper ID or Parental Supervision” or they should put on glasses to see who’s actually buying the game.

Game Specialty Stores: F
This is just for my general hatred of GameStop employees who nothing about where they’re working or what’s going on in the industry, i.e. which games come out when, whether or not they have a game in stock, where their store is located, or if they have any of their pot left.

Video Game Industry: A
The video game industry has made some amazing moves this year to attempt to counter the AGA’s harsh words and ignorance. Patricia Vance, president of the ESRB, began the campaign to educate the general public on the ratings system, and has intelligently defended the ESRB’s position on many ratings. Hal Halpin, president of the ESA, had the difficult job of filling Doug Lowenstein’s shoes, and has done a fine job at doing just that, hiring those already familiar with similar ratings systems, and urging the gaming community at large to get involved in the controversy by submit questions to the presidential candidates. I would say the industry has done a fine job of defending itself this year.

Anti-Game Activists: F
Would you expect me to give them anything else? Unfortuantely for the AGA’s, they really have no clue what they are talking about. They encourage education on the subject of games, yet refuse to learn anything themselves. They are still referencing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, a game that came out almost three years ago. They reference studies of violent behavior in youth without knowing they were proven incorrect (see: the Jack Thompson vs. Lorne “Money Hat” Lanning debate), and apparently can’t write reports on their findings without dozens of grammatical mistakes.

Presidential Candidates: D
The 2008 Presidential Candidates are walking on thin ice, especially since I don’t believe in +’s or -’s anymore since attending SCAD. The problem is not that some of them refer to video games like the curse of the 21st century and must be banned forever, but that many refer to them as time-wasters. Haven’t we gone through this enough with music, comic books, movies, and television in the last 100 years? Let’s not forget that so far none of the GOP candidates have taken time to point out bills submitted in the senate by certain other candidates which blatantly disregard the first amendment of the United States Constitution.

Please remember that this is just one man’s opinion, as is the 26-page rant printed by NIMF. And may I also point out that NIMF sounds exactly like nymph. Just sayin’.