Sending out an SOS

SOS as in “Save Our Song.” The Police’s Message in a Bottle did NOT have Kanye West filling it up with, “Yeahs” and “Uhs” twenty years ago, and with Sting struggling to sing in its original key, it definitely does not need it now. And what’s with John Mayer playing with The Police now? He does a cover of SOS and all of a sudden he’s a member of the band? Wow if I had known it was that easy I would have learned that song BEFORE Guitar Hero II came out.

Although according to Roger Waters, SOS means “Save Our Sausage.” I dunno. Seems like a pretty ballsy move to let a pig float around a stage in London after they’ve been having so much trouble with certain religious communities over there lately. Did anyone else notice that he chose to play “The Wall,” the most famous anti-establishment song ever written? And why are we at Live Earth? Oh yeah, because we’re listening to the establishment tell us not only HOW we can better our lives, but that we HAVE to. Not to mention that bettering our lives apparently means switching over to fluorescent bulbs. Let me just say that fluorescent bulbs are not natural lighting. For that, go with the sun or incandescent. Fluorescent bulbs give off a blue-tinted light which, if you’ve ever lived or worked under it, becomes incredibly uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. Plus, if they ever break, you get to have the EPA come over and clean it up or else, well, you kinda die. Just kinda.

And speaking of Guitar Hero II, this entire world-wide shenanigan was one giant ad for it. You’ve got Wolfmother playing Woman, The Police playing SOS, and I guarantee, if Kurt Kobain were still alive, Nirvana would have played Heart-Shaped Box. Oh, and Linkin Park, I hate to break it to you, but no one – NO ONE – likes Minutes to Midnight, at least nowhere near as much as Hybrid Theory or Meteora, so stop trying to make us like it. We won’t. Why? Because you cut out Han. Seriously, the Chairman was standing on stage for the entire song not doing anything. I’ve never seen anything more disappointing in my life, besides maybe Kanye screwing up Message in a Bottle.

I won’t bother mentioning Al Gore, who – despite his movie, book, and all he’s done to make us know about global warming – set up god knows how many concerts around the world which drew god-knows how much power from god-knows how many power-lines connected to no-one knows how many power plants around the world, some of which are clean, some of which, obviously, are not. And you’ve got all those stadiums filled with thousands of fans screaming and cheering for has-been acts like Metallica, all the while spending their precious Carbon-Points from screaming, jumping, cheering, laughing, and having a grand-old – albeit hypocritcal – time.

You want to save the environment? You want to do something that not only will people pay attention to but will make you feel better about yourself? Go get a huge caravan together, with covered wagons and all-natural meals bought from whole foods, and go travel down the Oregon Trail on a no-gas-powered trip. Maybe you’ll try to ford the river and your fucking oxen will die. THEN we’ll see how much you whine about wasting gas.

One final note, it’s very good to listen to Ludacris on the subject. He once cut me off of the road and screamed, “MOVE BITCH!” You don’t want to deny the power of an ivy league vocabulary like that.